How to Prevent an Argument, Before it Starts.
Have you ever fought with your spouse or partner, maybe said a bunch of things you wish you hadn’t and then wanted to take all the things said back? Have you ever thought to yourself, “when am I going to learn to shut the hell up?”I know I sure have.
Here is a simple story and principle.
I remember an argument I had with my wife, during which I was righteously asserting a point – which as you may have guessed didn’t go over well. I had forgotten my Joyful Easy way, which is to come at life from a place of peace, and compassion for myself and others. One of the main reasons I write and share is to learn from my mistakes. My intention is to adopt better ways to relate to people. In reflection, I think this blog post is key to help me remember where I’m coming from even during interpersonal conflict.
Where Are You Coming From?
I was coming from the wrong place, as I had become angry. I was forgetting that it’s okay to tell people firmly what I think and feel, especially when delivering feelings calmly and politely. But I was unable to do that as I had become upset. A good reminder for all of us during conflict is to just shut the hell up – shut the pie hole. Maybe focusing on picturing what is wanted in the situation but controlling our mouths from saying destructive words is key.
Your state of being is vital, so be aware of it. Even further, be alert enough to notice a wicked wave of mental energy coming. I do my best to maintain my Joyful Easy on the daily, but it can escape me. If you are getting angry and frustrated, then it’s probably best to take a step back, especially when dealing with those whom you love.
A Better Strategy
Do you have something to say or to get sorted out?
Step 1 – SHUT THE HELL UP
Step 2 – Pay attention- yes attention, set yourself back a moment or two. Take three deep breaths. Now think of the outcome you wish to achieve. Get into it, feel it, imagine it. How positive can things become with the right attitude?
Step 3 – Allow some ideas to flow.
Step 4 – Ask yourself, will these ideas or words lead to the outcome that I want?
Step 5 – If yes, pick the timing and the tone for the implementation. If no, keep letting ideas flow until the answer is yes. Timing is everything. Do you remember as a kid when you used to ask your parent for money, or if you could go to your friend’s house? You always made sure your parent was in the right mood, you played chess, looking for the right time to make a move, and when it would become disastrous. Therefore, get in touch with that sense of timing you had as a kid and ascertain the following. Is the other person in the right mood? If not, how can I get them in the right mood?
Step 6 – Get yourself in the right state of being. Get stoked by positively charging up your mentality and into a good feeling place about your desired outcome.
Step 7 – Now that you’ve picked the timing and got yourself in the right mood and hopefully, they’re in the right mood as well, tactfully lay out your idea to the person and outline the win-win benefits of your ideas.
Step 8 – Invite feedback and participation.
Step 9 – Acceptance. You did your best, now just accept and be one with whatever is happening. Be okay with things not going your way if that’s how it must be. You may have to give it some time and try again.
Be sure to be mindful of your mood. If your mood goes sideways, remember to shut the hell up and keep the thought that steps one through six all happen without saying a word.
New Instincts
Develop the instinct to shut the hell up and think before you speak. Remember a golden rule- If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Always have an outcome in mind for any communication you’re about to make. Consider the meaning of your communication as the outcome that it produces.
I hope this helps; I do my best to remember and be mindful of this.
Peace- Mike
